


save me from myself

by ultsmingyu



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Broken!Cas, Demon Dean, Demon Dean Winchester, Demon!Dean, Lots of it, M/M, i think, idk i had this in mind ever since i watched the finale and now im fucking depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 01:31:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1669742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultsmingyu/pseuds/ultsmingyu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year has passed since Metatron was killed and the gates of heaven were opened again. Everything and everyone has changed. Except for Dean, he's still a demon. And that's what hurts Castiel the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	save me from myself

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry

"What?" Sam said, looking at Castiel as if he were crazy. "Cas, _Jesus!_ No!" he said, shaking his head and standing up.

Castiel tilted his head and looked at Sam. He thought he would help him out with this, he thought this was what Sam wanted. "You don't want this?" Castiel asked a very stressed looking Sam.

Sam opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He felt as if he were sinking, as if he were drowning. "Why?" was what came out in a small, fragile voice.

Castiel's eyes lowered to the ground, and that was more than enough for Sam to find out. "You're in love with him, aren't you?" he asked, and Castiel did not reply.

Tears were threatening to spill Castiel's eyes, and he refused to look up. He closed his eyes, but when he did, he would see black eyes. He would see Dean. He would see Crowley. He remembered that day clearly, the day he found out his Dean had turned into a demon. He remembered arriving the bunker, looking for Sam with tears spilling down his cheeks. 

_"Tell me it's not true," Castiel begged, standing in front of Sam, who's eyes looked bloodshot red and had a drink in his hand. Sam looked at him, no emotion in his face. "Sam," Castiel growled, grabbing the glass and throwing it to the other side of the room. Sam didn't reply, didn't even flinch. Castiel knew. He knew. He just didn't want to admit it to himself. Dean? The man he had fallen in love with, dead? No, that couldn't be._

_Castiel shook his head. "No, no this can't be happening, Sam. Tell me it's not happening," he whispered. "TELL ME HE'S HERE, SAM, TELL ME HE'S GOING TO BE OKAY-"_

_"Dean?" Sam's surprised voice cut him off. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned around._

_And damn, did he regret that. There, stood his Dean. Looking fierce and strong and oh so righteous. Well, that would have been if his eyes weren't black. Castiel felt his knees go weak. "What did you do to him?" he directed his eyes to Crowley, feeling lightheaded._

_Crowley rolled his eyes, his typical smirk on his lips. "I didn't do anything. It's a new life for Dean, a new opportunity -" "For what?" Castiel asked weakly, shaking his head. "You- you knew this was going to happen," he barely got to finish his sentence before it all went to black and his felt his whole world come down on him._

_And of course, when Castiel woke up, Dean was already gone._

_-_

"Cas, hey, buddy, you okay?" Sam asked, looking concerned. Apparently, he had been calling the angel's name for quite a while now. 

"I am fine, Sam. Now tell me, do you agree to it?" Castiel asked, and Sam tensed up. "You don't have to have an answer right now. I understand it must be difficult for you," he said, and disappeared in a flutter of wings. 

Sam threw himself down on a chair and placed his face in his palms, thinking why he couldn't be happy for once.

- 

Crowley abandoned Dean 2 months after he became a demon. 

Sam and Castiel had tried everything to bring Dean back. Deals, summonings, exorcisms, tortures, everything.. But nobody would tell them anything. All of them said the same thing: that Crowley had taken Dean away forever. 

They, of course, refused to believe it. So stabbing the knife inside each and every single one of those sons of bitches was the only thing they could do to hold on to that hope.

Dean came back two days after they had killed one of Crowley's most-trusted men. 

His eyes were green, (which Castiel's eyes teared up at), but he wasn't the same Dean. Castiel felt his dark presence, felt the smell of sulfur, felt the evil inside of him. Sam let out the smallest gasp. He went up straight to his room and locked himself in it. 

He doesn't come out for 2 days.

-

Living with Dean as a demon wasn't as complicated as Sam and Castiel thought it was going to be. Sure, it was weird, knowing they lived with evil. But it was Dean. It would always be Dean. They managed to get him to talk to them, though.

"What happened, Dean? Why did - why did Crowley abandon you?" Sam asked with a shaky voice. He was scared, (so was Castiel). Dean turned his head to look at both of them, his eyes lingering a little more on Castiel, and Castiel felt himself shuddering. It'd been so long since he had looked at him like that, so deep into him. 

It didn't last for long, though, because Dean's eyes turned down to whatever papers he was checking. "He didn't need me," he replied in his rough voice, and Sam and Castiel knew that was the only thing they would get him to say. 

-

Sam removed his hands from his face and stood up again. He went up to his brother's room and knocked once before entering. "Dean?" he called out, and he saw that Dean was sitting on the bed, staring at the wall. He had been doing that a lot lately. "C'mon Dean, I'm your brother-" Sam was cut off by Dean's eyes flickering to black and turning to him.

"Dean is gone," the demon spat. Sam shook his head. "This," the demon pointed down at himself, "is not Dean. It's not your brother, and guess what, he's not gonna come back," he smirked evilly. Sam shut his eyes and clenched his fists. He walked out of the room without looking back.

- 

"Do it," Sam said desperately as he walked into the library, where Castiel was. "Just do it," he whispered, and he finally lost it. Tears were spilling down his cheeks before he even realized it. Castiel immediately stood up and walked over to him, wrapping his arms around his friend. "It's okay, Sam. It's all going to be okay," he reassured.

"I'm so sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry," Sam kept saying over and over, and Castiel shook his head. "It's okay, I wan't to do this. Everything will be alright." 

He only wished he believed it.

-

If they wanted this to work, they were going to have to set up a trap to capture Dean. Castiel had come up with an idea, but he wasn't so sure if it was going to work. 

He could at least try, right? So that's what he did. 

Castiel walked into Dean's room. "Dean? I found some information down at the library if you were interested... I've noticed you reading over some of those things," he told the demon, who didn't do anything but look at him. He sighed and gave up, shutting the door and walking down to the library. 

His eyes widened, though, as he heard the door to Dean's room open and steps coming down the stairs. He turned to Sam, who was looking pale. "It's going to be okay," he repeated. 

He pretended he was looking over some information when he felt the demon's presence over him. "Th-this is what I was looking at," he said, giving the folder to Dean, who snatched it from Castiel's hands and began looking over it. He grabbed the devil's trap handcuff and handcuffed him and Dean together, just like Dean had with Crowley. 

"What the hell?" the demon said, dropping the folder and trying to get away. 

"You're not going anywhere," Castiel growled, and hesitated before saying, "Dean if you can hear me, I want to tell you-" the demon laughed evilly, "he can't hear you," he interrupted, but Castiel didn't care. He just spoke louder. "I wanted to tell you that we're going to save you."

Sam appeared behind him. "I'm sorry brother," he murmured, before throwing a punch at the demon.

-

Sam hadn't been to this church in such a long time. Since he was purifying Crowley. Memories began coming back to him. The fall. How weak he felt. How he saw Crowley slowly becoming mortal. Dean.

Sam shook his head and tried to not think about it.

"You stay with him here while I go and prepare everything, okay?" Sam said, and Castiel nodded.

Dean was passed out on the trunk. Sam opened it and grabbed a neck chain, more handcuffs, guns, salt, and paint. He took a deep breath and then walked into the doors of the church.

It was now or never. They were going to save Dean.

-

Preparing the church didn't take that long.  

It's not like he hadn't done it before or anything.

"It's ready," Sam announced to Castiel. They both carried Dean inside and cuffed him to the chair on top of the red devil's trap. Then, they chained his neck with a cuff that had all sorts of sigils marked onto it. 

Dean woke up, his eyes flickering black and his jaw twitching as he looked from Sam to Castiel. Castiel tried not to tremble.

"You really think this is going to work?" the demon smirked, "You think you can save me? Save him?" he shook his head slowly. "It's too late."

Castiel shook his head, turning his attention to Sam. "We're ready," he nodded his head. 

"You know the drill, right Cas? Your blood needs to be purified, you'll give him a dose of your blood every hour for 8 hours, and after the eighth dose, you cover-" Sam was interrupted by Castiel. "I know how it is, Sam, I've been going over the tapes," he admitted, to which Sam gave a very surprised look. 

"Cas, I'm sorry," Sam apologized, and it felt like the millionth time today.

"I said it was okay, Sam. It's my decision," Castiel replied. "Now please, can I have a moment so I can confess?" he asked, and Sam nodded, exiting the church. 

-

"If there is anybody listening, I want to let you know that I know what I'm doing," Castiel began nervously. He wiped his sweaty hands on his trench coat. His knees had gone sore at the amount of time he had been kneeling down, finding the right words to say. "Father," he said, because he knew that's where he was really going to find his forgiveness, "if you're really there, I want to let you know that I am sorry. I am sorry for not trying hard enough.

"I am sorry for ever letting you down. This might be the last time we ever talk, but I want to let you know that I will be fine." Castiel took a breath and looked down at the floor, blinking back a few tears. "All that I'm doing is because of him. For Dean. I am truly sorry for all of those prayers I left not responded. I'm sorry for leaving Dean alone. I'm sorry for rebelling against you, father, but if you want me to say that I regret ever saving Dean Winchester out of hell, then I won't say it. Because that would be a lie. So what is my biggest sin? It was not being able to save Dean. But I'm trying," Castiel let out a small smile, his lips barely moving up, "and I will not rest until I save him."

- 

When Castiel had come out and told Sam he was ready, they had started right away. Sam left eight injections on the counter and he stepped outside. "If you need me, for anything, Cas, I'll be right out."

Castiel smiled and nodded his head. "See you, Sam," he said.

Sam just hoped that wasn't his goodbye.

-

The demon smirked, (and _God_ , did these creatures _ever_ stop smirking?). "What are you waiting for? Begin!" he laughed, and Castiel shook his head.

_5:08._

So this was it. The first dose. He quickly placed the needle of the injection into his vein and winced ever so slightly. Then, he removed a fair amount of blood and shut his eyes at the pain inside his head. He walked up to the demon and tilted his head to the side. Castiel grabbed the injection and stabbed Dean with it at the side of his neck. 

The demon groaned in pain, but still smirked at him. "See you in an hour," he said. 

- 

_6:08._

Castiel repeated the procedure, grabbing blood from his system and injecting it into Dean's neck. 

He wished he could swipe that smirk off the stupid demon's face, he wished he could just scream and go back and save him, but he couldn't. 

So he waited for a miracle.

-

_7:08._

After Castiel had given the demon the third dose, he saw no change except for the fact that the demon was no longer smirking. He would yell in pain everytime Castiel placed the injection into his skin.

Castiel felt guilty, and it was probably because he was starting to enjoy the screams.

-

Castiel sighed when his clock read 8:08. The fourth dose, and still no change from the demon apart from the fact that he now felt pain from his purified blood. He sighed, and grabbed the injection with his shaky hand. 

"Do you think.." the demon began, and Castiel almost dropped the injection. "Do you think this could really heal me- heal him?" it swallowed. 

Castiel wanted to scream, he wanted to cry. He felt the whole air being taken away from his lungs. "It will," he whispered.

This time, the demon tilted his head and let himself be injected. That's when Castiel started sobbing. Hard.

-

_9:08._

Castiel felt his grace being ripped out of his body when he injected the blood into the demon. He smiled sadly.

It was almost time.

-

_10:08._

Sam came in and asked if Castiel was okay. Castiel nodded his head (despite the fact that he felt part of his grace missing) and grabbed the injection. The demon's - _Dean's_ \- eyes went to Sam and Castiel swore he saw tears in Dean's eyes. 

-

_11:08._

Two more doses. Castiel stared down at his bandaged hands. Sam had helped him bandage them, since he had been through it already, and knew how bad it must hurt. "You're doing great, Castiel. He- he's going to be so proud of you," Sam whispered to him. 

Castiel looked at Sam before walking over to the demon. "He loved you, you know. Or loves," he spoke.

Castiel stared at the demon with disbelief. "Dean? He loves me?" 

The demon nodded, "I can feel it," he swallowed, "I can feel it in him, he loves you. And- and I hope you can cure me, him.., whatever. Just. Do it."

Castiel swallowed back his tears. "I will save you," he murmured as he injected the blood.

He felt himself slowly slipping away.

-

Castiel woke up dizzy. He heard Sam's sigh of relief when he asked what time it was. 

"Cas, you scared me, oh my God, are you okay?" Sam asked with a worried tone. "I'm fine," Castiel lied and stood up. 

"What- what time is it, Sam?" he asked, searching for the injection. 

"It's 12:06. Cas, listen to me here, yeah?" Sam licked his lips and Castiel turned his attention to him. 

"I can't thank you enough for what you're doing for my brother. He-.. he-" Sam wiped a few tears from his eyes. "You and him- you guys are the only family I have left. Cas, you might be saving him, but you're also saving me. So thank you for that," he finished with a breath. Castiel walked up to him and wrapped his arms around him for the last time.

"I'll see you, Sam. You take care of yourself," Castiel told the hunter. He walked up to the not-so-demon. "This is it," he whispered, "the last dose." Green eyes met blue, and then they drifted up to the injection. 

"Thank you," the demon sighed in relief. 

Castiel felt his cheeks wet as he inserted the last injection into the demon's neck. His hands began to glow, a golden light shining from the inside of him. 

He was ready. This was it.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, hanc animam redintegra, lustra," Castiel chants. He takes out his knife and slices his palm.

Slowly, he makes his way to the demon and covers his mouth. The demon screams and Castiel watches as a light emerges from its eyes and mouth. 

He lets out a breath. He made it. He cured a demon. Dean was going to be okay. Dean's eyes rolled to the back of his head and he was passed out on the chair. 

Castiel smiled, tears in his eyes. "Dean?" he asked, but Dean still wouldn't open his eyes. "Dean?" he tried again, "c'mon Dean, open your eyes, n-now that I'm here," he pleaded. 

Sam came up to him, grabbing Dean's arm. "Hey, brother, you're okay, you're safe," he said, and that's when Castiel fell to the floor. 

 "Cas!" Sam shouted as Castiel yelled in pain. "Cas, don't do this, not right now, please," Sam begged. 

Castiel felt as if he couldn't breathe. He felt as if they were tearing his insides apart, as if someone was pulling his grace from him. So he had done it. The ultimate sacrifice. All for one human, a human that he loved. 

He wanted to smile, he wanted to laugh. Dean was saved, the love of his life was saved. And it was because of him. 

A cough caused Castiel and Sam to look up at Dean. He blinked three times and tried to adjust to his surroundings. "I- wh-what happened?" he asked. His eyes drifted to Sam and Castiel on the floor. He immediately stood up, though his legs wanted to give out, and knelt besides Castiel.

Castiel smiled, wobbly due to his tears. "You're okay," he whispered, one hand touching Dean's face. 

"I'm here, Cas, I'm okay, it was all thanks to you," Dean said, shaking his head. "You can't leave me now." 

Castiel coughed weakly. "It hurts, Dean. Everything hurts," he said in a small voice. 

Castiel's eyes slipped shut, and Dean slapped his cheek twice, softly. "C'mon, you son of a bitch. You can't leave me alone, you can't leave me," he cried, tears streaming down his face. It took all of Castiel's strength to open his eyes again. 

_I'd give anything not to have you do this._

"I- fell in love with you, Dean WInchester," Castiel confessed, fighting to stay alive. Dean needed to hear this. "You were t-the best thing that ever happened to me," he breathed out, since he couldn't talk so much. 

Dean smiled sadly. "I'm in love with you too, Cas, shit. We- we're going to take you to the bunker and you're going to be okay -" Castiel shook his head. "I feel it, it's my time to go," he murmured. 

"No!" Dean screamed, "no, you- you can't..." he mumbled, "you can't, you can't..." 

Sam tried to move Dean away from Castiel, but Dean refused. 

_What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?_

Castiel's eyes slipped shut again. He could see the barn, he could see Dean. He could see his soul. And he thought it was beautiful. 

"Cas, baby, c'mon, don't do this," Dean pleaded, more tears streaming down his face. 

"Can I ask you for one last favor?" Castiel whispered, and Dean nodded. "Anything."

"Kiss me," and so Dean did. And hell, he had never kissed someone like that before. It was so full of love and desperateness. Desperate for Castiel to live. Desperate for Castiel to stay. Desperate to stop all of this from happening.

"I'm s-so sorry, Dean." Castiel whispered. "I l-love you."

_I did it, all of it, for you._

And as Castiel's life slipped past before his eyes, two black angel wings marked the surface of the church floor. Dean sat there, with his angel in his arms as he cried his heart out. 

It was worth it, it really was. 

Because Castiel did not only save Dean. 

By doing so, he also saved himself.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i repeat, i am so sorry


End file.
